Confusion

anger swells up, washing over me in waves of passionate heat.
my teeth clench & grind
but my desire to speak twists & knots itself in my throat... and that's where it remains.
I search my heartbeat for hidden meaning.
searching for love and compassion...
but I find only a desolate wasteland of frigid apathy.
questioning the illusions I've been sold, seeking the refuge of my familiar walls
I sink into aching.
why do I find the truth so elusive at my lips?
why these dogged efforts to search within while scouring without turn up always
empty?
why accusations of running away when I'm doing my best to stand firm?
moving toward insolvency.
emotions for what once was now only flittingly ephemeral
I wade out into this cool pool of indifference and question where the love has vanished to
has the distance vanquished the totality of my heart?
I submerge myself entirely and let the chill pierce through to my bones.
I don't wish to be this way.
I simply am.
let me let you go.
lament fueling unanswerable questions

~S.I.M. ('09)